Notes
Self-love is somewhat of a paradox
The first time I read Vex King’s book, Good Vibes, Good Life, I took a picture of a quote that appeared right in the beginning. It said, “Self-love is the balance between accepting yourself as you are, while knowing you deserve better and working towards it.” The concept was hard to wrap my brain around at first and that’s because these concepts are opposite, yet also need to happen simultaneously. Loving who you are is not an invitation to remain unchallenged; it’s that balance between accepting yourself for exactly who you are right now, and desiring to be the absolute best version of that person.
Self-love is about constant growth
In life, it’s inevitable that we’ll develop behaviors that go against our growth in becoming that best version of ourselves. The advice that Vex gives is to design a process where we review our behaviors and decide which are toxic to this growth – both towards ourselves and towards others in our life. He says changing behaviors “isn’t only how you grow, it’s also an act of self-love. You’re showing yourself that you deserve better than the behaviors that are limiting your progress.”
Self-love means releasing your ego
Having a strong foundation of self-love does not equate to having a large ego. In Yung Pueblo’s book, Inward, he explains how this is just the opposite. Self-love stops the ego from growing and, instead, releases it. “It is the ego that carries the craving that causes our suffering.” Once we are able to release the ego and the cravings it causes, we are able to release the blocks that hold us back achieve true freedom.
Self-love inspires compassion
Brene Brown first mentions self-love in her opening intro for The Gifts of Imperfection. She believes that society has always encouraged individuals to be selfless and to put others before you. However, without a foundation of self-love, Brene says we are not fit “for human consumption”. In order to provide those in our lives with compassion and love, we must first believe that we are worthy of it. We do our best interacting with people and performing in situations when we are on solid emotional ground; that starts with believing in our worth and that starts with cultivating self-love.
Yung also touches on this topic. He believes that within the process of learning to love ourselves, we begin to find compassion, and eventually grows into unconditional love – for ourselves and others. Unconditional love “honors our power by no longer allowing ourselves to be harmed by anyone. This limitless love also gives us a new grace and clarity that help us see ourselves in all other beings and better understand where they are coming from.”
Reflections
I decided that the theme and subheader of this website would be “cliff notes on self-love”, and in this post I wanted to share my thoughts behind it. We all know what cliff notes are: summaries that are designed to quickly understand key points of larger work. If you’re anywhere around 30 years old, you probably remember picking up those Sparknotes books from Barnes and Noble (I can picture those little blue and yellow pamphlets right now).
The next part gets a bit trickier: “self-love”. I’ll be the first to admit that this is a concept and a word that I ever used or even thought about. But with the mental health movement coming back to the forefront a few years ago, words like self-care and self-love got thrown around a lot and still do.
I’m curious… What does self-love mean to you?
Maybe it’s synonymous with “self-care” and affording more time to take care of your body. Or maybe it means learning how to be happy with who you are and not holding yourself to ridiculous standards all the time. It can be both of those things, or it can mean something entirely different. I believe self-love is exactly what it states: giving yourself the unique type of love your mind and body needs. What that looks like is individualistic and customizable based on you, and will probably change throughout your life.
The beauty is that you get to decide. Only you have lived your journey. Only you know what you need. All we have to do is not be afraid to go get it.
