Reflections
When choosing a personal therapist a couple years ago, I wrote two goals for what I wanted out of my time with her: to develop compassion towards myself, and to learn how to be more compassionate towards others. Months of inner work, reading, and life experiences have shown me just how closely those two forms of compassion are intertwined. I’ve learned that the key to giving others in my life unconditional love could only go as far as my ability to give compassion to myself.
One of the most important books for my journey has been Kristen Neff’s Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Through her words, I began to discover how fostering self-compassion would bring about a better, more peaceful life – along with happier relationships. Throughout the book, Dr. Neff continuously comes back to her theory that self-compassion revolves around three key components: kindness, humanity, and mindfulness.
These three components also show up as recurring themes in the other books I’ve been reading. As I look back at my notes, I see how the authors related these themes to the concept of compassion as well. Since compassion has been on my brain lately, I thought it might be a good time to share some of my favorite findings from each of the three sections – both from Dr. Neff’s book and from other brilliant reads.
Notes
Brought to you by:
- Self-Compassion, The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself – Kristen Neff
- Inward – Yung Pueblo
- Gifts of Imperfection – Brene Brown
- The Heart of Buddha’s Teaching – Thich Nhat Hanh
One: Kindness
Compassion for others doesn’t come out of nowhere; we need a surplus to pull from. Brene Brown believes that cultivating compassion means waking up in the morning and thinking, “No matter what gets done, I am enough”. The kindness that we supply to ourselves allows us to build a surplus of compassion that we can happily and willingly impart on others.
When we deal with situations in life that require self-compassion, our brain reacts differently. If we decide to criticize oneself for a mistake, for example, our brain’s problem-solving cortex (lateral cortex and dorsal anterior) kicks into gear because we see ourselves as another issue to be fixed. Instead, if we deal with ourselves with compassion, the left temporal lobe is activated – the part of the brain associated with positive emotions. Self-kindness allows us to move through life and situations in an emotionally and physically better state of being. It allows us to feel safe and secure when solving problems rather than being frightened or anxious.
Two: Humanity
I believe that humanity means understanding we all share the same life experiences, both the bad and the good. It also means sharing the experience of imperfection. In Inward, Yung Pueblo writes, “It is important to remember that we are all imperfect and that we all live through the limited perspective of the ego.” When things get messy – as they inevitably will – accepting our imperfections allows us to step back and offer kindness instead. By remembering and tapping into this shared humanity, we can view one another as equals and just as deserving of compassion.
Dr. Neff believes that underlying our shared human experience of suffering and fear is the basic need for belonging; a need fundamental to emotional and physical health. Without first establishing connection to others in our life – both people we have close relationships with and humankind in general – we cannot move on to accomplish higher human needs that allow us to reach our full potential. When we feel connected to others, we are more ready to roll with the punches that life brings us.
Three: Mindfulness
In The Heart of Buddha’s Teaching, author Thich Nhat Hanh offers a unique way to use mindfulness that helps bring more compassion to others. Within what the teachings call “The Noble Eightfold Path”, there is a practice called Right Mindfulness, which helps us remember that words can cause damage. This practice allows us to put ourselves in the position of the receiver and present our truths in the most skillful way. “When you begin to understand the suffering of the other person, compassion will arise in you and the language you use will have the power of healing.” Compassion is the only energy that can help us connect with another person.
Dr. Neff writes that the true gift mindfulness gives is allowing us to respond instead of react. At the first instance of a powerful emotion, if we can pause and ask ourselves questions like “am I actually in danger right now?” or “what is the actual situation that needs responding to?”, we can make better decisions for ourselves. And even when we can’t stop ourselves from reacting, mindfulness still helps us to respond after the initial reaction in a different, more beneficial way. When we feel suffering come on, we can be aware that we are feeling sad and take those first steps of offering compassion to ourselves. Then, with mindfulness and awareness in the driver’s seat, we can take the next steps to help ourselves and our situation.
