Notes
Brought to you by:
- The Gifts of Imperfection – Brene Brown
- Girl Wash Your Face – Rachel Hollis
- I’ve Been Thinking… – Maria Shriver
- The Heart of Buddha’s Teaching – Thich Nhat Hanh
Connection means risk-taking
Brene Brown spent decades studying vulnerability. She believes it’s the key that leads to true connection with others. Being vulnerable means fostering the courage to be our imperfect selves, which also means showing the parts of ourselves we don’t love so much. It can feel scary to rip off the rose colored glasses and show people our deepest selves because it means that we won’t always be liked. Yet, it’s equally as risky to continue hiding in plain sight and feeling like we can’t express who we truly are. The lesson here is to just be yourself; the ones who stick around and love the authentic you are the ones you want in your life anyway.
Connection means listening
Listening is one of those basic skills we learn in preschool, and yet we constantly forget to do it. Humans have a primal need to be heard and understood, and when this need isn’t met, we become like a bomb ready to explode. Listening is how we will give ourselves the space to truly understand the ones we love. Maria Shriver believes that if we listened to one another, we would realize how similar we are and cultivate a sense of belonging. Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh writes, “If you really love someone, you must train yourself to be a listener.”
Connection means having compassion
A huge barrier to connection is our basic human tendency to lean into judgement. Rachel Hollis has a whole chapter on this topic in her book and asks the question, “why are we so quick to judge others when we’re secretly at home doing the exact same thing?” Being judgmental keeps us from having good friendships and deep connections.
The absence of judgement in our actions also extends to the previous topic: listening. In his book, Thich Nhat Hanh introduces readers to compassionate listening: listening without criticism or evaluation, with the single purpose of helping the other person suffer less. Compassion is the only energy that can help us connect with another person. He writes, “When you begin to understand the suffering of the other person, compassion will arise in you and the language you use will have the power of healing.”
Reflections
Everyone has a long list of things they’ve lost this past year. Even if we were lucky enough to keep our jobs or live with the people we love, the pandemic created losses in ways big and small for all of us. I wasn’t surprised about the fact that I would lose my social life; my husband and I decided early on how we would address the pandemic. What did surprise me was the ways in which that social life left a void. I knew my calendar would be sparse, things would get increasingly boring, and that I’d save some money by eating out less. What I failed to predict that it was the connection to the people in my life I’d miss the most. Connection that can’t be replicated over phone calls and virtual happy hours, no matter how hard we tried.
As vaccines are rolling out and things are starting to feel safer, I’m recognizing the subtle changes that I feel in my mind and my heart when I’m spending time with the people in my life I’ve missed so much. I ask myself things like, “what sort of conversations are we having?”, “do I feel relaxed and at ease with this person?”, or “am I being my authentic self right now?”. The time I was forced to spend away from the people I love has allowed me to reevaluate the connections I have to them. It’s enabled me to recognize their depth and authenticity and ask myself if I’m doing enough to foster them. Although I can’t control whether or not they meet me halfway, I believe it’s important to recognize our part in these relationships – especially if we want them to continue to grow.
If I were to take away one single thing about connection from these books, it would be the importance of connecting to yourself so that you can more deeply connect to the others in your life. All this solo time allowed me to see where I was falling short in knowing and loving me. By starting to grow and put time into the connection I have with myself, I can reap the benefits of more rewarding connections with others – something I’m fully onboard with.
